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Holy Hell have things moved forward quickly. I just got my housing assignment for this summer; I didn't get the efficiency apartment I wanted, but I'm not really bothered. I had to drop a class in order to take all the CLI courses I wanted for the summer, but that has made my financial aid situation a little sweeter, and I won't have to worry about eating quite as much as I thought I might have to. Thank gods for that.
I can't fucking wait to move into housing, but I think I've said that before. I've totally checked out of any and all drama that shows up and that hasn't exactly made people happy, but I feel much better not knowing what they think of me. As the saying goes, what other people say about me is none of my business. At least I hope it goes that way.
I managed to get back in touch with an old friend from high school. Ever since I'd been studying Arabic I had been thinking of tracking her down and leaving her a message. Out of the blue she left me a friend request and a message on the Facebook. I am beyond delighted! We've been talking about music and catching up on what's been going in our lives. She's so successful and she's doing so much, and I'm so happy for her!
That's all I've got I guess. I'm thinking about picking up blog prompts to help organize my thoughts but I don't know if I'll be able to really keep up with those. Without them I feel like I don't have anything to post, other than to organize thoughts or just get something out there to whoever stumbles across this.
I can't fucking wait to move into housing, but I think I've said that before. I've totally checked out of any and all drama that shows up and that hasn't exactly made people happy, but I feel much better not knowing what they think of me. As the saying goes, what other people say about me is none of my business. At least I hope it goes that way.
I managed to get back in touch with an old friend from high school. Ever since I'd been studying Arabic I had been thinking of tracking her down and leaving her a message. Out of the blue she left me a friend request and a message on the Facebook. I am beyond delighted! We've been talking about music and catching up on what's been going in our lives. She's so successful and she's doing so much, and I'm so happy for her!
That's all I've got I guess. I'm thinking about picking up blog prompts to help organize my thoughts but I don't know if I'll be able to really keep up with those. Without them I feel like I don't have anything to post, other than to organize thoughts or just get something out there to whoever stumbles across this.
Not sure if...
Apr. 2nd, 2012 12:07 pm... anxiety, or excitement.
When it comes to the money situation, I know it's just anxiety I'm feeling. I know it's going to be taken care of favorably, but I'm always really anxious about large sums of money, especially when I consider the bureaucracy at ASU and the flakiness it exhibits toward the time, money, and effort of its students. I probably shouldn't complain because it could, of course, be worse, but I still just can't shake the nervousness. I'm sure it's more to do with going back to school and starting over than the money.
It's the housing that I can't identify my feelings toward. On the one hand (and probably the more important of the hands) I am extremely excited to be away from more stressful living situations. I'm glad that the only person I'll be cleaning up after is myself (I've put in for a single occupancy efficiency), that I'll be able to cook for myself and not have to worry about catering to others' tastes, that I'll have a quiet refuge in which to study and sleep and relax (at least until Fall when the frosh come in, but that'll only be a problem until about October, tops). On the other hand (and I hope the lesser hand), I feel very worried that I'll just end up isolated and alone. I'm a natural introvert - I'm used to spending a lot of time by myself, and more often than not I'm very glad for it. Unfortunately that means I've always had trouble making friends. That's a situation I've made great strides against since I've been out here; I've been trying to be far more outgoing than I was before, striking up conversation with people on transit and getting to know my baristas a little, but I still have this pattern under stress of retreating inside myself and shutting everything and everyone else out. I'm afraid that once I get into the stress of class that I'll just start shutting people out again.
I'm trying not to contemplate too hard. Instead I shop for dishware and towels online.
When it comes to the money situation, I know it's just anxiety I'm feeling. I know it's going to be taken care of favorably, but I'm always really anxious about large sums of money, especially when I consider the bureaucracy at ASU and the flakiness it exhibits toward the time, money, and effort of its students. I probably shouldn't complain because it could, of course, be worse, but I still just can't shake the nervousness. I'm sure it's more to do with going back to school and starting over than the money.
It's the housing that I can't identify my feelings toward. On the one hand (and probably the more important of the hands) I am extremely excited to be away from more stressful living situations. I'm glad that the only person I'll be cleaning up after is myself (I've put in for a single occupancy efficiency), that I'll be able to cook for myself and not have to worry about catering to others' tastes, that I'll have a quiet refuge in which to study and sleep and relax (at least until Fall when the frosh come in, but that'll only be a problem until about October, tops). On the other hand (and I hope the lesser hand), I feel very worried that I'll just end up isolated and alone. I'm a natural introvert - I'm used to spending a lot of time by myself, and more often than not I'm very glad for it. Unfortunately that means I've always had trouble making friends. That's a situation I've made great strides against since I've been out here; I've been trying to be far more outgoing than I was before, striking up conversation with people on transit and getting to know my baristas a little, but I still have this pattern under stress of retreating inside myself and shutting everything and everyone else out. I'm afraid that once I get into the stress of class that I'll just start shutting people out again.
I'm trying not to contemplate too hard. Instead I shop for dishware and towels online.
So, I've finally made it all the way through the bureaucracy. Now I just have to wait for my housing assignment and I'm in. Unfortunately the financial aid is still an issue, but I'm going to make that work somehow. I'm not worried about it... I had some anxiety earlier in the week, but now I'm reaching a state of zen with it - it's not really a different situation from where I was at Ohio Dominican financially, it's just that I'm going to have to finance this through different means, rather than having it done for me by the financial aid office. That's okay.
I'm extremely happy about the housing. I can't wait to move in.
I'm extremely happy about the housing. I can't wait to move in.
(no subject)
Mar. 16th, 2012 01:50 pmSo, I have an advising appointment at ASU next Tuesday at 10:30 in the morning. All my administrative business there will be handled including financial business, summer housing, scheduling classes for both Summer and Autumn semesters. These are all good things.
Still unemployed, and despite the ranting from my aunt and uncle I can't seem to make the half dozen current pending applications for job openings move any quicker, and I can't make the people who've turned me down take me. Here's to hoping that I'm employed soon (really really hoping to get even an email from someone), or that by May I can be out of this situation and not faulted for being inexperienced in everything but academia. I know that sounds hostile, but I really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I have a huge list of restaurants that are hiring as well, and once this transit strike is over and bus routes are restored, I'm going to be canvassing them for jobs as well. Ideally I want to work with food, but that's certainly no requirement considering I'm in no place to be picky.
My Arabic is improving, but I'm still suffering from the lack of class time. I'm thinking about not having my credits transferred from Rio Salado to ASU so that I can retake the Arabic and circumvent their ban on taking classes more than once. :/ I'm not sure how I feel about just ignoring all the work I'm doing now, but I need that face-time interaction in basic Arabic or I know I'm just not going to have the academic foundation to succeed at higher level courses. That's definitely something I'm going to be discussing with my advisor.
Still unemployed, and despite the ranting from my aunt and uncle I can't seem to make the half dozen current pending applications for job openings move any quicker, and I can't make the people who've turned me down take me. Here's to hoping that I'm employed soon (really really hoping to get even an email from someone), or that by May I can be out of this situation and not faulted for being inexperienced in everything but academia. I know that sounds hostile, but I really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I have a huge list of restaurants that are hiring as well, and once this transit strike is over and bus routes are restored, I'm going to be canvassing them for jobs as well. Ideally I want to work with food, but that's certainly no requirement considering I'm in no place to be picky.
My Arabic is improving, but I'm still suffering from the lack of class time. I'm thinking about not having my credits transferred from Rio Salado to ASU so that I can retake the Arabic and circumvent their ban on taking classes more than once. :/ I'm not sure how I feel about just ignoring all the work I'm doing now, but I need that face-time interaction in basic Arabic or I know I'm just not going to have the academic foundation to succeed at higher level courses. That's definitely something I'm going to be discussing with my advisor.
Haven't made any real progress in the bureaucracy at ASU. My attempts at communicating have been ignored. Fortunately they have a Walk-in Wednesdays that allows me to just go into the advisor's office and chat. If I haven't made headway by then, I'm just going to get all dolled up and head in. I'll handle the finaid and the MMR hold then.
What really worries me currently is the new Arizona House Bill that will require students to contribute at least $2,000 toward their education each semester. The Bill bars students from using loans, neither federal nor private (!) to cover this gap, and bars scholarships and grants from covering it. The Arizona Board of Regents, which runs ASU and AU and NAU, have pleaded with the state government to not do it, because it won't fix the problems and the writers (Tea Partiers all) have lied through their teeth to fudge the numbers to make the situation look worse than it is in the first place. I'm very worried that I'm going to be responsible for paying two grand on top of my living expenses that I simply don't have - it would essentially force me to drop out for good this time.
What really worries me currently is the new Arizona House Bill that will require students to contribute at least $2,000 toward their education each semester. The Bill bars students from using loans, neither federal nor private (!) to cover this gap, and bars scholarships and grants from covering it. The Arizona Board of Regents, which runs ASU and AU and NAU, have pleaded with the state government to not do it, because it won't fix the problems and the writers (Tea Partiers all) have lied through their teeth to fudge the numbers to make the situation look worse than it is in the first place. I'm very worried that I'm going to be responsible for paying two grand on top of my living expenses that I simply don't have - it would essentially force me to drop out for good this time.
ASU Bureaucracy
Feb. 21st, 2012 10:03 pmI can't seem to make headway with ASU's bureaucracy. Firstly, their system refuses to allow me to schedule advisement. Secondly, their system has been down today, so I haven't been able to contact my advisor directly. And thirdly, I can't get my old university, Ohio Dominican, to talk to me about my immunization records.
I'm going to try offices other than their Health and Wellness Department tomorrow, hopefully someone over in registration or something can tell me what I need to do in order to get those records sent over. I would love to contact my old doctor's office, but it seems they've closed down or moved house and don't have previous records any longer. My mother doesn't have any of my records and my father just put them into storage and doesn't have the slightest clue how to actually find the relevant immunization forms. I have a feeling it's the immunization that's preventing me from scheduling advisement, which is why I need to contact the advisor directly - but as I mentioned before, the system has been down for the better part of today (at least it has been every time I've tried to access it). I was really hoping to sort this out before Tony came up here for Thursday, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen this week.
However, at least I'm wading through, even if I'm not making progress just yet. I figure that if I keep trying I'll eventually hit a breakthrough and it'll all just rush through at once.
Also, I start fasting tomorrow. I really need a proper cleansing period, and I think it's an appropriate time to do so right now.
I'm going to try offices other than their Health and Wellness Department tomorrow, hopefully someone over in registration or something can tell me what I need to do in order to get those records sent over. I would love to contact my old doctor's office, but it seems they've closed down or moved house and don't have previous records any longer. My mother doesn't have any of my records and my father just put them into storage and doesn't have the slightest clue how to actually find the relevant immunization forms. I have a feeling it's the immunization that's preventing me from scheduling advisement, which is why I need to contact the advisor directly - but as I mentioned before, the system has been down for the better part of today (at least it has been every time I've tried to access it). I was really hoping to sort this out before Tony came up here for Thursday, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen this week.
However, at least I'm wading through, even if I'm not making progress just yet. I figure that if I keep trying I'll eventually hit a breakthrough and it'll all just rush through at once.
Also, I start fasting tomorrow. I really need a proper cleansing period, and I think it's an appropriate time to do so right now.
So many forms...
Feb. 19th, 2012 12:31 pmI'm really excited about ASU in May - just one thing. They have a mountain of bureaucracy before I can register for classes. It's mostly just a ton of forms to fill out and hand into the financial aid office, but that's still a little intimidating, considering the propensity of large institutions and universities especially for losing paperwork and making you file again. Hopefully they don't have the habit that ODU did of charging fees when they lose paperwork.
I have to track down immunization records for MMR. I don't have them, my dad has moved house twice since, and my mom doesn't have them as far as I know. I don't know the name of the doctor's office where I'd gotten the immunizations. I think I'm going to contact ODU and see if they have them and can forward them to ASU - hopefully that's a yes.
I know that I'm going to get it all in and that it's going to be fine, but damn does bureaucracy make me nervous.
I'm going to be rushing through my classes this week - Tony is coming to visit me this Thursday, and we're going to spend the day just relaxing, since the two of us have been exceptionally busy these past few weeks. I'm really excited for the opportunity to both relax, and to spend some time with him.
I have to track down immunization records for MMR. I don't have them, my dad has moved house twice since, and my mom doesn't have them as far as I know. I don't know the name of the doctor's office where I'd gotten the immunizations. I think I'm going to contact ODU and see if they have them and can forward them to ASU - hopefully that's a yes.
I know that I'm going to get it all in and that it's going to be fine, but damn does bureaucracy make me nervous.
I'm going to be rushing through my classes this week - Tony is coming to visit me this Thursday, and we're going to spend the day just relaxing, since the two of us have been exceptionally busy these past few weeks. I'm really excited for the opportunity to both relax, and to spend some time with him.
Advancing again
Feb. 15th, 2012 10:47 pm Received word from ASU that I am good to go starting with a summer semester in the School of International Letters and Cultures. It's about time! I'm going to switch from non-resident to campus living, and apply for one of the studios. I want a place "of my own," or at least by myself very soon.
So, I'm getting through the ASB202 work pretty easily - it's an introduction to race and ethnicity and the first part is just defining terms and some of the history behind them, and quite a bit of ensuring we understand that race isn't something biological or even honestly tangible (repeated ad nauseum in the reading). I'm already very familiar with all of this content and I'm breezing through it, though I'm having trouble maintaining interest in the review.
The new Arabic course is what's got me busy right now though. Right off the bat I have a ton of things to study and to write and to practice. It's really out of the norm for my family, but I really love lists - and this course has a substantial list of tasks to complete already. I thrive on the feeling of being busy, so long as I don't cross that fine line into rushing.
Hopefully I'll make some actual changes in my personal life, which is kind of falling to the side currently. We're coming up on a pretty important month for me, a time that's been pretty intensely spiritual in the past couple of years. Despite the restraints put on me by my obligations in hospitality, I really am hoping that this will be a period of reconnection for me. I really need that; I need to plant myself and establish some roots, even if the plan has always been to uproot and move again when the time comes. I need to pay my respects where they're do and reestablish some relationships. I've also been running into some conflict preserving my own culture and faith and the responsibilities that they demand of me. I'm not sure what else to say about it now, but suffice it to say that I'm hoping in the next month or so I'll be getting myself back on track on the personal, private level.
The new Arabic course is what's got me busy right now though. Right off the bat I have a ton of things to study and to write and to practice. It's really out of the norm for my family, but I really love lists - and this course has a substantial list of tasks to complete already. I thrive on the feeling of being busy, so long as I don't cross that fine line into rushing.
Hopefully I'll make some actual changes in my personal life, which is kind of falling to the side currently. We're coming up on a pretty important month for me, a time that's been pretty intensely spiritual in the past couple of years. Despite the restraints put on me by my obligations in hospitality, I really am hoping that this will be a period of reconnection for me. I really need that; I need to plant myself and establish some roots, even if the plan has always been to uproot and move again when the time comes. I need to pay my respects where they're do and reestablish some relationships. I've also been running into some conflict preserving my own culture and faith and the responsibilities that they demand of me. I'm not sure what else to say about it now, but suffice it to say that I'm hoping in the next month or so I'll be getting myself back on track on the personal, private level.
So much for regular...
Feb. 9th, 2012 12:52 pmSo I had these perfectly good intentions to start writing down my thoughts more regularly as a cathartic release from the day's histrionics. That doesn't seem to have worked. :) I just can't seem to be doing anything too regularly right now aside from my schoolwork.
Passed my basic Arabic and Linguistics courses with near 100% scores on each. Though they were basic entry level courses, I'm still really proud that I was able to do both of those on short notice and in this environment- which I hope is changing soon. The jobs market here in the Phoenix area doesn't seem to have recovered very well yet, and the feedback for my resumé indicates that I'm too skilled through work study and volunteer positions to do menial tasks, but those positions don't qualify me for anything else either. That kinda sucks but I'm still looking, still trying. I really want a place of my own, so I can get cute stuff and keep everything immaculately clean. The current histrionics around the house here is about how it's always dirty and it always stinks, despite my near constant cleaning. I'd ask the aunt and uncle what I'm supposed to be doing different but as I've seen quite regularly, there really isn't a standard. I think I formally gave up on trying to work with them over the cleaning when my aunt had, numerous times in the past two weeks, started yelling about the kitchen being filthy and having crumbs and dishes all over it and everyone but her being lazy - before she'd even made it into the kitchen, which I had just finished cleaning (dishes, bleaching surfaces, sweeping floors) not ten minutes before.
I'm about to Hermione my way through my next Arabic course and an intro to Race and Ethnicity.
Passed my basic Arabic and Linguistics courses with near 100% scores on each. Though they were basic entry level courses, I'm still really proud that I was able to do both of those on short notice and in this environment- which I hope is changing soon. The jobs market here in the Phoenix area doesn't seem to have recovered very well yet, and the feedback for my resumé indicates that I'm too skilled through work study and volunteer positions to do menial tasks, but those positions don't qualify me for anything else either. That kinda sucks but I'm still looking, still trying. I really want a place of my own, so I can get cute stuff and keep everything immaculately clean. The current histrionics around the house here is about how it's always dirty and it always stinks, despite my near constant cleaning. I'd ask the aunt and uncle what I'm supposed to be doing different but as I've seen quite regularly, there really isn't a standard. I think I formally gave up on trying to work with them over the cleaning when my aunt had, numerous times in the past two weeks, started yelling about the kitchen being filthy and having crumbs and dishes all over it and everyone but her being lazy - before she'd even made it into the kitchen, which I had just finished cleaning (dishes, bleaching surfaces, sweeping floors) not ten minutes before.
I'm about to Hermione my way through my next Arabic course and an intro to Race and Ethnicity.
Even more progress.
Oct. 23rd, 2011 11:30 pmSo today I finally managed to corner the aunt and uncle and force along a discussion that we needed to have over my responsibilities here and what they expect of me. That was good. I have been given access to the brandy drawer. This is progress!
I also saw the feedback for my linguistics course today, which I will respond to tomorrow. They were very interesting things. I learned from the professor that the college has a community agriculture project that I think I will get involved in once I have my bus pass. It really bothers me not having any room here to grow the things I want, and apparently there's an ordinance against having plants on balconies because they apparently attract tarantulas and scorpions. I guess that's something I'll have to ask about at the community greenhouse! I also learned that the school has processed the financial aid Pell Grant, for which I have a small refund this semester. My full loans should be here soon as well, as I've been approved for them, and the overage from that will help me immensely as well.
I made some Slovak pancakes this weekend, which improved my mental state. I'm trying to make a better effort to preserve that. :D
Going to have another busy week! Another chapter due for Arabic and another chapter due for linguistics, so lots of studying. Hopefully stuff coming in the mail to help me on my feet, which requires finding a local bank (read: credit union) to deposit, and this week I'm also determined to get my hair cut (this is getting ridiculous). If my overage gets here, I'll be able to get a bus pass and that will allow me to canvas for jobs. Also need to do some serious cleaning around the apartment.
I also saw the feedback for my linguistics course today, which I will respond to tomorrow. They were very interesting things. I learned from the professor that the college has a community agriculture project that I think I will get involved in once I have my bus pass. It really bothers me not having any room here to grow the things I want, and apparently there's an ordinance against having plants on balconies because they apparently attract tarantulas and scorpions. I guess that's something I'll have to ask about at the community greenhouse! I also learned that the school has processed the financial aid Pell Grant, for which I have a small refund this semester. My full loans should be here soon as well, as I've been approved for them, and the overage from that will help me immensely as well.
I made some Slovak pancakes this weekend, which improved my mental state. I'm trying to make a better effort to preserve that. :D
Going to have another busy week! Another chapter due for Arabic and another chapter due for linguistics, so lots of studying. Hopefully stuff coming in the mail to help me on my feet, which requires finding a local bank (read: credit union) to deposit, and this week I'm also determined to get my hair cut (this is getting ridiculous). If my overage gets here, I'll be able to get a bus pass and that will allow me to canvas for jobs. Also need to do some serious cleaning around the apartment.
First Classes
Oct. 19th, 2011 02:17 pm I just started my first couple of classes at the local college, making up courses that I missed this Fall because of some bureaucratic issues between ASU and my old high school. It's a little frustrating to miss registration twice because of a file review, but it's alright.
I'm getting a huge overage check both now and in the Spring (I know ASU isn't gonna let me register so I'm not totally worried about it, I can transfer there next Fall when I'm more on my feets). The unfortunate thing is that I have to sign for it and my book advance and my school ID - and the Fedex guy here is in the habit of not knocking. My cousin has had to manually retrieve every package she's had sent here in the last two years - unfortunately these packages for me have been sent back to the school, who have tried again this week to send them to me. All this has resulted in me simply not having the materials for my classes. I can BS my way through the Arabic, since what we're doing now is all stuff I already know, but the linguistics course is one that I need the textbook for by Saturday. Hopefully I'll be able to just manually pick everything up before Friday and get it done - if not I'm going to need some serious Google-fu to get through the first week or so.
I really really enjoyed myself this weekend. Jonathan was really good company and I loved talking to him. He has a breadth of knowledge that I admire and appreciate. I have a lot on my mind regarding that, and I'm not sure how to make sense of it in any meaningful way yet, so I'm not going to go into it much. Hopefully that's something that sorts itself out before too long.
I'm getting a huge overage check both now and in the Spring (I know ASU isn't gonna let me register so I'm not totally worried about it, I can transfer there next Fall when I'm more on my feets). The unfortunate thing is that I have to sign for it and my book advance and my school ID - and the Fedex guy here is in the habit of not knocking. My cousin has had to manually retrieve every package she's had sent here in the last two years - unfortunately these packages for me have been sent back to the school, who have tried again this week to send them to me. All this has resulted in me simply not having the materials for my classes. I can BS my way through the Arabic, since what we're doing now is all stuff I already know, but the linguistics course is one that I need the textbook for by Saturday. Hopefully I'll be able to just manually pick everything up before Friday and get it done - if not I'm going to need some serious Google-fu to get through the first week or so.
I really really enjoyed myself this weekend. Jonathan was really good company and I loved talking to him. He has a breadth of knowledge that I admire and appreciate. I have a lot on my mind regarding that, and I'm not sure how to make sense of it in any meaningful way yet, so I'm not going to go into it much. Hopefully that's something that sorts itself out before too long.
A few good things.
Oct. 13th, 2011 11:47 pmSo, today I got word that my financial aid has come in, and it is good news. It's enough to get me on my feet and get me moving, so I can really canvas for jobs. I've also met some wonderful friends who are supportive of me and who understand what I'm going through.
There will be Greek food in my future - Saturday afternoon, to be exact.
There will be Greek food in my future - Saturday afternoon, to be exact.
Another "Yeah, I get it" -.-
Mar. 21st, 2011 06:08 pm So lately Hermes has been on my mind very, very often. I very much feel as if he is pushing me over the threshold of this part of my life - urging me forward whenever it seems I'm stalling.
Last night I kept stumbling upon references to him as the Psychopompos - the Guide of Souls to the afterlife.
This morning, my cousin approaches me with some questions about a tarot reading she had done for herself. I love tarot and divination, and I think I have a pretty good intuition, so I'm frequently the one she bounces ideas and readings off of. So anyhow - keeping in mind Hermes as the God of Thresholds, Journeys, and the Guide for the Dead (holy Caps Attack, Batman) - I get Ilya out and open him up. I lay the deck down on the table with the little booklet on top (I refuse to lose the booklet, I've always kept things like that tucked in with the cards, games, etc that they come with). I look down, lift the booklet off and see that the cards are face up at me already, and by some crazed coincidence, the Death card is staring back at me in all its skeletal glory.
Death is the ultimate change card - relating of course to probably the biggest and most permanent change in state we are capable of. It's about a total renewal, a kind of abrupt and dramatic change or shift. The references to Hermes as Psychopomp that have been popping up regularly for me lately immediately drew a connection in my mind between Him and the Death card. Hermes as the guiding force, pulling me by a cord down the path of a great change - urging me over a huge threshold in my life and down a different path. The nature of the change scares the Hell out of me, but if that is where I'm Fated to go then there is no point in resisting.
I'm just wondering how long I have left before the gentle tugging becomes a frenetic yanking.
Last night I kept stumbling upon references to him as the Psychopompos - the Guide of Souls to the afterlife.
This morning, my cousin approaches me with some questions about a tarot reading she had done for herself. I love tarot and divination, and I think I have a pretty good intuition, so I'm frequently the one she bounces ideas and readings off of. So anyhow - keeping in mind Hermes as the God of Thresholds, Journeys, and the Guide for the Dead (holy Caps Attack, Batman) - I get Ilya out and open him up. I lay the deck down on the table with the little booklet on top (I refuse to lose the booklet, I've always kept things like that tucked in with the cards, games, etc that they come with). I look down, lift the booklet off and see that the cards are face up at me already, and by some crazed coincidence, the Death card is staring back at me in all its skeletal glory.
Death is the ultimate change card - relating of course to probably the biggest and most permanent change in state we are capable of. It's about a total renewal, a kind of abrupt and dramatic change or shift. The references to Hermes as Psychopomp that have been popping up regularly for me lately immediately drew a connection in my mind between Him and the Death card. Hermes as the guiding force, pulling me by a cord down the path of a great change - urging me over a huge threshold in my life and down a different path. The nature of the change scares the Hell out of me, but if that is where I'm Fated to go then there is no point in resisting.
I'm just wondering how long I have left before the gentle tugging becomes a frenetic yanking.
Finally - Dan is actually buying himself a house. Unfortunately, it's not everything he wanted it to be but he's totally unwillling to consider another place because his friends (ie: drinking buddies that everyone but him have identified as Trouble) live just a few houses down. I foresee a lot of drama concerning this house in the future, but he's left me here in Columbus while he does this so fortunately I don't have to deal with it head on.
But this leaves me in a very stressful position. I am at my wits' end living with my dad, as I've mentioned before. Things are not improving. He is an abusive and nasty person. Even if he wasn't he'd still be hell to live with - every thought that comes up in his head is vocalized, especially the stressful ones. On top of my personal stresses I am forced to deal with all of his as well, and I don't have the spoons to do it. I don't feel as though I have room for my own thoughts any more. I have no release, no outlet, not even a way to leave the house for a few hours that is safe or consistent. Every time I've tried to bring it up I've only been laughed at or insulted or otherwise belittled. This is not good. >.<
We even have outside drama with our previous landlords who sold us this house. Apparently not content with their sale, they're now trying to make us tenants again. Apparently this is part of a fairly large federal tax fraud scheme. Fortunately the legal aspect is on our side, but they're still trying their hardest to bully us away.
tl;dr - too much stress! Hopefully I can blog about something decent soon.
But this leaves me in a very stressful position. I am at my wits' end living with my dad, as I've mentioned before. Things are not improving. He is an abusive and nasty person. Even if he wasn't he'd still be hell to live with - every thought that comes up in his head is vocalized, especially the stressful ones. On top of my personal stresses I am forced to deal with all of his as well, and I don't have the spoons to do it. I don't feel as though I have room for my own thoughts any more. I have no release, no outlet, not even a way to leave the house for a few hours that is safe or consistent. Every time I've tried to bring it up I've only been laughed at or insulted or otherwise belittled. This is not good. >.<
We even have outside drama with our previous landlords who sold us this house. Apparently not content with their sale, they're now trying to make us tenants again. Apparently this is part of a fairly large federal tax fraud scheme. Fortunately the legal aspect is on our side, but they're still trying their hardest to bully us away.
tl;dr - too much stress! Hopefully I can blog about something decent soon.
(no subject)
Nov. 27th, 2010 02:22 amHaven't felt so well lately, but I think my mental state is holding up quite well considering. I can't seem to get my dad to even do basic hygiene or cleaning up after himself, especially in... the bathroom. It's so disgusting I won't go any further, but needless to say, I'm very very nearly to a point where I can't do it anymore. Not won't - can't.
One thing that has been helping me though is that my car is behaving. A little while ago, a spark plug exploded inside the engine - my dad, a mechanic for some thirty years, has never seen such a thing. The car didn't fare so well at first but now, somehow, is driving absolutely perfectly. Not a stutter in sight. This is good because a) I don't have to find a new cheapo car before my move, and 2) when I get overwhelmed with shit here, I can get in and go. It's a 15/20 minute drive into the country, but once out there, it's very relaxing. It's deer season though, so ugh, gotta be careful.
Also, yesterday, I made a chocolate pudding pie. First time I've made a crust on my own and it is wonderful. Not to brag or anything.
One thing that has been helping me though is that my car is behaving. A little while ago, a spark plug exploded inside the engine - my dad, a mechanic for some thirty years, has never seen such a thing. The car didn't fare so well at first but now, somehow, is driving absolutely perfectly. Not a stutter in sight. This is good because a) I don't have to find a new cheapo car before my move, and 2) when I get overwhelmed with shit here, I can get in and go. It's a 15/20 minute drive into the country, but once out there, it's very relaxing. It's deer season though, so ugh, gotta be careful.
Also, yesterday, I made a chocolate pudding pie. First time I've made a crust on my own and it is wonderful. Not to brag or anything.
(no subject)
Nov. 12th, 2010 08:02 pm So, bad news: I feel sick. Do not feel up to eating or doing anything besides poking around online and reading blogs.
Good news: I am getting a new stove and refrigerator either tomorrow or Sunday. I am excited to be cooking again, even if replacing broken appliances is the least of our worries any more.
Tonight, since I won't be able to sleep in this weekend as a result of our own insurance adjuster visiting tomorrow in the morning and acquiring appliances sometime after that (and the subsequent cook-a-thon), I'm hoping to get to bed at a decent time tonight. I can't wait to be productive again. Unfortunately being simultaneously a night owl and a morning person may not be conducive to sleeping well or being productive. Oh well, I will make it work - I always do.
Now though - I am watching 30 Rock from last night, then I'll be finally watching Cirque du Freak.
Good news: I am getting a new stove and refrigerator either tomorrow or Sunday. I am excited to be cooking again, even if replacing broken appliances is the least of our worries any more.
Tonight, since I won't be able to sleep in this weekend as a result of our own insurance adjuster visiting tomorrow in the morning and acquiring appliances sometime after that (and the subsequent cook-a-thon), I'm hoping to get to bed at a decent time tonight. I can't wait to be productive again. Unfortunately being simultaneously a night owl and a morning person may not be conducive to sleeping well or being productive. Oh well, I will make it work - I always do.
Now though - I am watching 30 Rock from last night, then I'll be finally watching Cirque du Freak.
Sitting in Bed...
Nov. 10th, 2010 05:11 amI now have a new laptop. It is not ideal nor one that I chose, but it's good. It will get the job done and that is great. I can blog, network, chat, and surf just fine. And it's mobile, unlike my previous behemoth. I have some games I want to play, but those can always wait for a desktop. This is my mobile productivity machine.
Dad also insisted on getting a new tv. It is two inches smaller than the one destroyed in The Incident a few weeks ago, but it has identical technical specs - that basically means that it has a sharper and smoother image because the resolution isn't stretched to fit a larger screen. That's cool. We spent a lot of money today and that can be stressful on its own, but we have yet to really replace the necessary appliances. At the moment, I am still without a washer or a dryer, and I am without a stove or a refrigerator. This is not a good situation and I feel my health suffering from it (stress, lack of nutrition, that kind of thing). But, the things we replaced today (wireless, television, my laptop) provided a well needed morale boost. Tomorrow I'm seeking out Fable 3 from local game stores. I'd love to toss myself into some escapism while I wait.
This is the first eventful day in a couple of weeks. Ever since that faulty stove destroyed everything, I've basically been laying around. I can't really handle the major aspects of fixing this mess, I can only really do the administrative things for my dad so that he can handle the situation more smoothly. We're at a point though where the company that did this to us refuses to work with us. They sent an electrical engineer to determine fault and he managed to find a broken ground on a pole underneath a transformer a block away from us and insisted that was the cause of the problem so we can fuck off - he dismissed our case. Fortunately AEP and their technicians assured us that a) this ground wire is irrelevant to everything ever, and b) our system is fine aside from the damage that was obviously caused by Rent-a-Center's flunkies. They are sending us the information in writing for us to give to our lawyer.
So essentially, everything is going to be fine... but it could take a very long time for us to break even in the situation.
And I see that I am, indeed, posting at five in the morning and have not slept. I hate insomnia and having a laptop to take to bed is both a blessing and a curse. Here in the next few days I am going to find projects to throw myself into that will hopefully put me on a decent schedule - but until then I'm just going to ride the wave and wait for my impending move.
Dad also insisted on getting a new tv. It is two inches smaller than the one destroyed in The Incident a few weeks ago, but it has identical technical specs - that basically means that it has a sharper and smoother image because the resolution isn't stretched to fit a larger screen. That's cool. We spent a lot of money today and that can be stressful on its own, but we have yet to really replace the necessary appliances. At the moment, I am still without a washer or a dryer, and I am without a stove or a refrigerator. This is not a good situation and I feel my health suffering from it (stress, lack of nutrition, that kind of thing). But, the things we replaced today (wireless, television, my laptop) provided a well needed morale boost. Tomorrow I'm seeking out Fable 3 from local game stores. I'd love to toss myself into some escapism while I wait.
This is the first eventful day in a couple of weeks. Ever since that faulty stove destroyed everything, I've basically been laying around. I can't really handle the major aspects of fixing this mess, I can only really do the administrative things for my dad so that he can handle the situation more smoothly. We're at a point though where the company that did this to us refuses to work with us. They sent an electrical engineer to determine fault and he managed to find a broken ground on a pole underneath a transformer a block away from us and insisted that was the cause of the problem so we can fuck off - he dismissed our case. Fortunately AEP and their technicians assured us that a) this ground wire is irrelevant to everything ever, and b) our system is fine aside from the damage that was obviously caused by Rent-a-Center's flunkies. They are sending us the information in writing for us to give to our lawyer.
So essentially, everything is going to be fine... but it could take a very long time for us to break even in the situation.
And I see that I am, indeed, posting at five in the morning and have not slept. I hate insomnia and having a laptop to take to bed is both a blessing and a curse. Here in the next few days I am going to find projects to throw myself into that will hopefully put me on a decent schedule - but until then I'm just going to ride the wave and wait for my impending move.
