collowrath: (Default)
... anxiety, or excitement.

When it comes to the money situation, I know it's just anxiety I'm feeling.  I know it's going to be taken care of favorably, but I'm always really anxious about large sums of money, especially when I consider the bureaucracy at ASU and the flakiness it exhibits toward the time, money, and effort of its students.  I probably shouldn't complain because it could, of course, be worse, but I still just can't shake the nervousness.  I'm sure it's more to do with going back to school and starting over than the money.

It's the housing that I can't identify my feelings toward.  On the one hand (and probably the more important of the hands) I am extremely excited to be away from more stressful living situations.  I'm glad that the only person I'll be cleaning up after is myself (I've put in for a single occupancy efficiency), that I'll be able to cook for myself and not have to worry about catering to others' tastes, that I'll have a quiet refuge in which to study and sleep and relax (at least until Fall when the frosh come in, but that'll only be a problem until about October, tops).  On the other hand (and I hope the lesser hand), I feel very worried that I'll just end up isolated and alone.  I'm a natural introvert - I'm used to spending a lot of time by myself, and more often than not I'm very glad for it.  Unfortunately that means I've always had trouble making friends.  That's a situation I've made great strides against since I've been out here; I've been trying to be far more outgoing than I was before, striking up conversation with people on transit and getting to know my baristas a little, but I still have this pattern under stress of retreating inside myself and shutting everything and everyone else out.  I'm afraid that once I get into the stress of class that I'll just start shutting people out again.

I'm trying not to contemplate too hard.  Instead I shop for dishware and towels online.   

:/

Jan. 23rd, 2010 01:12 am
collowrath: (Default)
I feel like I have so much to say and contribute but I'm just so tired.  I set goals for myself, nothing that I can't handle under normal circumstances - but now that my anxiety disorder has really stepped up its game, my productivity levels have just dropped off the face of the planet.  Which of course, sets off my anxiety because I'm not living up to the standard I've set for myself.  I've found that it tends to be better when I get more sleep, but I can't sleep when the attacks set in.  I'm really hoping that the vitamin-D supplement I'm gonna pick up tomorrow helps, as I'm usually better in the summer and there's a chance that season-affective could be playing a part.  I need professional help, but I'm scared.

My class on Congress is the shit.  I'm having trouble focusing in my Logic course, but it's a good one and one that I feel is entirely necessary to a productive college life (and beyond) and I just need to pick myself up and maintain a positive attitude and power through it.  Which reminds me, no matter how terrified I am and how terrified I am of moving to a new city and living their alone, I need to apply for Pittsburgh.  There's no way I can rationalize not doing it and not going with where I want to be in my life.

Also, I realize that my previous post ended on a kinda abrasive note.  That abrasive attitude is continuing a bit - there  was some talk on the forums about how offensive the word Indian is to Natives and India-Indians.  While I can't speak for India-Indians, I can tell from experience within the Native community that for the most part, in an informal setting, Indian is common parlance for supra-Native culture.  There's an attitude among the people on these forums that smacks of "well, they SHOULD be offended by it," ie, "we know better than they do what they should find offensive."  I don't think a lot of these people are seeing why that's ridiculous.  I dunno, I need to say something about it, but I don't have the energy.

I plan on finding it soon.

Ick

Jan. 4th, 2010 10:39 pm
collowrath: (Default)
My anxiety disorder has been flaring up pretty badly lately.  Like, laying in bed, feeling sick and paralyzed with fear for absolutely no reason badly.  I've been drinking a lot of coffee and soda lately, and my partner has been on a fast food kick (because it means he doesn't have to take me grocery shopping), so I think it's pretty clear what's been causing it.  I'm cutting all that out and surviving on water and only what I can make at home, which is actually quite a bit, provided we can make it to the grocery some time soon.

Although, just in general, my appetite has taken a nose dive.  That can't be healthy, but I'm mostly just tired.  Like, all the time tired.  But, it's cold as Hell, so I can grab blankets and make some tea (brewed properly, so no significant caffeine, but with relaxing agents!) and make myself cozy.  Been mildly obsessed with the new Star Trek (reboot) dvd, desperate to see the new Battlestar tie-in.  All of which make me want to get started roleplaying, but because of the previously mentioned issues that can be pretty hard for me.

Also - a friend of mine offered and is giving me advice and guidance in some very important matters.  She's about the closest thing to community that I have, online or off; we're very different in some respects, but we have similar backgrounds and similar conclusions in some areas of spirituality, and I'm forever thankful to be able to talk to her.

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