collowrath: (Default)
[personal profile] collowrath
... anxiety, or excitement.

When it comes to the money situation, I know it's just anxiety I'm feeling.  I know it's going to be taken care of favorably, but I'm always really anxious about large sums of money, especially when I consider the bureaucracy at ASU and the flakiness it exhibits toward the time, money, and effort of its students.  I probably shouldn't complain because it could, of course, be worse, but I still just can't shake the nervousness.  I'm sure it's more to do with going back to school and starting over than the money.

It's the housing that I can't identify my feelings toward.  On the one hand (and probably the more important of the hands) I am extremely excited to be away from more stressful living situations.  I'm glad that the only person I'll be cleaning up after is myself (I've put in for a single occupancy efficiency), that I'll be able to cook for myself and not have to worry about catering to others' tastes, that I'll have a quiet refuge in which to study and sleep and relax (at least until Fall when the frosh come in, but that'll only be a problem until about October, tops).  On the other hand (and I hope the lesser hand), I feel very worried that I'll just end up isolated and alone.  I'm a natural introvert - I'm used to spending a lot of time by myself, and more often than not I'm very glad for it.  Unfortunately that means I've always had trouble making friends.  That's a situation I've made great strides against since I've been out here; I've been trying to be far more outgoing than I was before, striking up conversation with people on transit and getting to know my baristas a little, but I still have this pattern under stress of retreating inside myself and shutting everything and everyone else out.  I'm afraid that once I get into the stress of class that I'll just start shutting people out again.

I'm trying not to contemplate too hard.  Instead I shop for dishware and towels online.   


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April 2012

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