Please disregard. Rant within.
Jun. 16th, 2010 03:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
collowrathI know what makes me feel the happiest, and what I need to do in order to do those things - but there's something in the way. I can't seem to feel motivated enough to take care of myself, get out of bed, etc.
The worst part is that I'm not sure how to regain the motivation that I had just a few months ago to do things. Maybe it's my isolation that's getting to me (which is kinda my fault - all my friends left the state, one of them came back for the summer but is embroiled in family troubles, but I'm seriously reluctant to put myself out there and meet new people), or maybe it's my total lack of things that I absolutely must do/my lack of deadlines that aren't wholly self imposed. I always feel like I hate being told when to do something, but I've found that if I don't have real goals to work toward, they don't seem to happen. I wanted to move to Pitt for the university's Slovak language program there, but oddly, I never finished the application. Mostly, I have the feeling like that sort of life isn't for me. I want to write, to edit, to be involved in some kind of creative work, but I feel entirely disadvantaged in finding work there. I know nobody is going to take me seriously without some credentials, but a) I couldn't bear the institution I was in and probably shot myself in the foot as far as going to another one, and b) I seriously couldn't stand another English course. I'm sure they're fine for most people, but I spent most of my time rolling my eyes and thinking the assignments were ridiculous.
The last English assignment I ever did involved discussing a photograph on the projector screen for thirty minutes and then writing a 5 page essay on my feelings about it. Yuck!
I would love to get into photography with my writing, but there was just something fundamentally unwelcome about such assignments. At this point though, I'm really just being a curmudgeon.
I guess the only thing I'm getting out of this abrupt, disconnected, silly post is that I'm lost. I know where I want to be, but I don't know how to get there or how to get motivated. The motivation is the most painful part, I think.
The worst part is that I'm not sure how to regain the motivation that I had just a few months ago to do things. Maybe it's my isolation that's getting to me (which is kinda my fault - all my friends left the state, one of them came back for the summer but is embroiled in family troubles, but I'm seriously reluctant to put myself out there and meet new people), or maybe it's my total lack of things that I absolutely must do/my lack of deadlines that aren't wholly self imposed. I always feel like I hate being told when to do something, but I've found that if I don't have real goals to work toward, they don't seem to happen. I wanted to move to Pitt for the university's Slovak language program there, but oddly, I never finished the application. Mostly, I have the feeling like that sort of life isn't for me. I want to write, to edit, to be involved in some kind of creative work, but I feel entirely disadvantaged in finding work there. I know nobody is going to take me seriously without some credentials, but a) I couldn't bear the institution I was in and probably shot myself in the foot as far as going to another one, and b) I seriously couldn't stand another English course. I'm sure they're fine for most people, but I spent most of my time rolling my eyes and thinking the assignments were ridiculous.
The last English assignment I ever did involved discussing a photograph on the projector screen for thirty minutes and then writing a 5 page essay on my feelings about it. Yuck!
I would love to get into photography with my writing, but there was just something fundamentally unwelcome about such assignments. At this point though, I'm really just being a curmudgeon.
I guess the only thing I'm getting out of this abrupt, disconnected, silly post is that I'm lost. I know where I want to be, but I don't know how to get there or how to get motivated. The motivation is the most painful part, I think.
