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1) Still freaking out a little bit about money, but at least I'm getting my shit together with school.  My anxiety has been cooling down a bit now that I'm structured; still, this weekend I need to pick up some vitamin D supplement.  Apparently that works wonders for anxiety disorders.

2) I was reminded today, that my tradition is one with a distinct concept of dualism.  It hit me when I came home and got frustrated with being so fucking scared all the time.  For every bad thing life presents us, it's in order to prepare us for something better.  I'm not a believer in "coincidences" in the conventional sense, and I don't think that I have to go through this horror and intense self hate for nothing.  There's got to be something on the other side of this that is better.  I just have to keep that in mind: it'll pass and there is light after the darkness.

3) Partner saw Avatar in 3-D.  I don't have the stomach for that I think.  Might be seeing it Friday with a friend, which will be good.  I'm very interested to hear the Na'vi language in the film - it contains some very interesting features that tickle me in that very special place that only new interesting language can tickle me.  That might make up for ridiculous White Saviour premise.

4) "There have been many changes in Russia.  We have many fewer, better Russians."

5) On the same note as the White Saviour bullshit, my aunt had a short ramble at lunch about the whole deal.  "Yeah, I'm a minority, not a child.  You don't need to fucking hold my hand."  All while brandishing her favorite "Model Minority my Ass" pin, which I love, because we're all pretty tired of being told we should feel this way, be offended by that, think this, etc, by some lilly-white woman without a real clue.

Sometimes, I think I blend in with my adoptive Native-Mexican family's attitude a bit more than most Americans would like my ethnicity too.  But hey!  We've only been "white" for fifty years or so, I'm still getting used to my priviledge.  More on that later.

Ick

Jan. 4th, 2010 10:39 pm
collowrath: (Default)
My anxiety disorder has been flaring up pretty badly lately.  Like, laying in bed, feeling sick and paralyzed with fear for absolutely no reason badly.  I've been drinking a lot of coffee and soda lately, and my partner has been on a fast food kick (because it means he doesn't have to take me grocery shopping), so I think it's pretty clear what's been causing it.  I'm cutting all that out and surviving on water and only what I can make at home, which is actually quite a bit, provided we can make it to the grocery some time soon.

Although, just in general, my appetite has taken a nose dive.  That can't be healthy, but I'm mostly just tired.  Like, all the time tired.  But, it's cold as Hell, so I can grab blankets and make some tea (brewed properly, so no significant caffeine, but with relaxing agents!) and make myself cozy.  Been mildly obsessed with the new Star Trek (reboot) dvd, desperate to see the new Battlestar tie-in.  All of which make me want to get started roleplaying, but because of the previously mentioned issues that can be pretty hard for me.

Also - a friend of mine offered and is giving me advice and guidance in some very important matters.  She's about the closest thing to community that I have, online or off; we're very different in some respects, but we have similar backgrounds and similar conclusions in some areas of spirituality, and I'm forever thankful to be able to talk to her.

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collowrath

April 2012

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